empty nest

It’s happening…

Whelp. It’s not often that I am at a loss for words. Ask my husband, he’ll tell you 🙂 But here I am at the first few lines of the newest chapter in our family book, and I’m at a loss.

On Sunday, our youngest child turned 20. No more teenagers, all four of our children are now adults and learning how to independently find their way in the wild, so to speak. In addition to that milestone, our oldest daughter (one of the two that was recently married) came and took the rest of her belongings to her new home that she now shares with her husband. What the WHAT?!?! Did both of those big things truly have to happen on the same day? Her room is so empty. I may have sat in the middle of it and cried – and by “may have”, I mean I definitely did. Too many emotions. Too much quiet. Too much open space. The emotions running amuck I am used to – but the quiet and clean and empty – no. There are now 3 rooms that sit unoccupied at the moment – although the dog and cat have each claimed a space as their own. The beds remain in hopes of an overnight visit – but the rooms remain unused.

It’s pretty easy to spiral and sit with the photo album and reminisce about the smell of a baby fresh out of the tub, the yells on the sideline of a 3rd grader’s soccer game, or the anticipation on Christmas morning while all four waited (not so patiently) as my Hubby and I filled our coffee mugs before digging into the gifts. Happy memories – so why the water works? Would I really want to relive all of those years – they weren’t all pretty or fun. A lot of it was tiring, frustrating and repetitive. I think the sadness comes when I realize that the chapter of raising young ones is over. Done. And yes, that’s sad. I will never have young children again . BUT – I am absolutely loving the adults that we have raised. And it’s perfectly OK to have sadness, hope, grief and joy in your heart all at once. I rarely experience only one emotion at a time, and I’m pretty sure that is normal. As the children have grown, I have written quite a bit about the many highs and lows we as parents experience. Every new experience from entering Kindergarten to leaving for college forces us to accept that our children are going to someday live on their own and call us less frequently. Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong – my Prince and I are truly finding a lot of joy in our new schedule. We stay up late and try to sleep in. We go out to eat more often – happy hour King and Queen to be certain! We take more trips and don’t have to think about childcare while we are away… but we still have the cat and dog, sooooooooooo… And we are busy thinking about how to use the rooms that are currently available – a new office, perhaps, or should we just let the cat have her own room?! We bought a new Christmas tree, because our adult children had the audacity to move out and take the ornaments that we had purchased for them for just such an occasion. Our 12 foot tree would look pretty bare without all of those bulbs and such, so we downsized a bit (only 11 feet this time!) and are excited to have a new focal point this Christmas. All in all, we are taking it all in stride. Figuring it out one holiday at a time.

Our nest may be “empty”, but that simply means we have space for visitors and a less busy schedule to help or socialize if asked. I have been reminded that as a parent, watching our children leave the house and become independent, happy adults is what we are working towards their entire lives. I just wonder why it’s so hard to watch happen if this has always been the end goal? I am content with our new chapter. Still lots to learn and I am sure sadness will sneak in here and there, but I’m ready for it.

I guess I wasn’t at a loss for words after all! I’m sure that no one is surprised!

Movin’ on up…

Change is necessary and inevitable. Whether change is viewed as exciting or nerve wracking, chances are, it’s right around the corner. One of the most common forms of change is moving – from one house to another, from an apartment to a house, or from a house to a care facility of some sort. This summer was the summer for changing locations. Two of our four children moved and several other family members changed addresses as well. We helped physically move 3 times and were happy to be there to assist as much as our aging bodies allowed. Though the heat was not preferable, we never had rain on a moving day, and we ran with that victory (or more like barely jogged – it was HOT, remember?). 

  I was blessed to stay in one house until almost graduating from college. I made memories with my family, neighbors, local businesses owners, our mail lady, and our librarian. It was extremely emotional to learn that my parents were moving. My immediate reaction was tears and grief. It took a bit for me to find the excitement and positivity in this change. These feelings were honest and legitimate after spending over 20 years in one home. Saying goodbye was difficult. My Mom was thoughtful enough to video tape a tour of the house before she began packing and moving furniture. My sister and I were gifted this vhs tape at our first Christmas after the move. So many emotions were felt as we watched my mom walk through our “old” house as she spoke of the many memories created in each room. She understood our deep love for this structure that protected us from the elements as we grew from infancy to adulthood.  I am happy to say that the new house that my parents moved into has also provided a warm and happy environment and a is a place that my heart has grown to love, too.

In addition to emotional strain, moving is a huge mental strain as well. Sorting through belongings is a daunting task. Knowing that not everything should be brought along, the decisions must then be made to keep, donate or throw away. Some people have more of a struggle when it’s time to discard things, whether it’s clothing, decor or household items. Others attach emotional feelings depending on when the clothing was worn ( a child’s graduation), how the item was received (a wedding gift!) or who gave the framed picture over the fireplace (Grandma, who is no longer with us). The actual act of taking certain items to the donation place is also something that takes time. Take it from someone that has driven around for months with donations to Goodwill in her trunk – please tell me I’m not alone! Deciding what belongings must go is sometimes the easiest part.

Once in the new environment, another round of organizing and sorting begins. Which room should each item be placed? Where should the pictures be hung? How should the dishes and glasses be stored in the kitchen? What about all of the clothing that was moved? Is there enough storage or does a dresser need to be purchased and (ugh) put together in order to create enough space for everything? What about furniture placement, is there even room for all of your furniture from the old house? All of this on top of the fatigue from actually moving an entire house worth of things can be exhausting. And tempers can flare, or tears can flow, or both. The job does not end as soon as all of the things are moved – it’s actually just beginning.

My husband and I both found that after we helped several people move, we were itching to organize and downsize our own things. I came home and immediately cleaned out a few closets and cabinets. He went as far as looking for a new Ranch style home for us – I told him to slow his roll. No way do I want to have to move all of our belongings anytime soon – Lord, have MERCY. Somehow, we both caught the bug and felt like the winds of change were blowing. With our own children launching from the nest at such a rapid rate, we are enjoying the thought of changing some empty rooms around.in our own home. We are considering changing one room into an office and perhaps making one a guest room – it’s fun to even think about the changes. I guess all change isn’t so bad 🙂 All in all, moving like everything else in life can be a hassle or a great opportunity. It’s all about perspective. Looking for the positive – sometimes it’s harder to see the silver lining – keep looking!

Change…

“Change is the only constant in life” – Heraclitus

I’ll be the first to admit that change has never been my favorite. I love consistency, the familiar. I love to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I love to know that I’ve handled something successfully before and can (hopefully) do it yet again. But in my almost 29 years of being a wife and over 26 years of parenting, I have found that change is one of the most common parts of life. If our family manages to do something twice in a row without any differences in the experience – call the presses! I have learned to be flexible in my approach and it has definitely benefited all of us. That being said, our family has a lot of changes coming in the next year. Am I ready? Can one ever really be “ready”?!

We have two daughters that will be getting married in 2025 -one in June and one in October. We are having fun planning two very different events and it’s been exciting to say the least. But as we schedule the Bridal Shower and pick out centerpieces for the big day, reality settles in. These two daughters will not be coming “home” for Christmas next year. Yes, they will visit for hours at a time, but they won’t be living at home anymore. This Christmas, for several reasons, was the “last” as we know it, since next year only one of our four children will actually wake up at our house next year on Christmas morning. Santa will only have one stocking to fill, as new spouses will now have that responsibility. We will have to find a new time to open presents together, since the time we have always done this in the past no longer works. We will have to consult the schedules of two more families in addition to the 9 schedules we are currently working around to fit everything in. We will no longer have the entire family at every event. Things are changing and we will need to be open to it. “But, we’ve always done it that way!” must not be uttered. The first few holidays will be a learning experience for sure.

Although it does make me a bit anxious, I am also excited to see the new traditions we will undoubtedly create. They will not be REQUIRED to happen on December 24th or 25th. They can change time and location from year to year. We can have a full meal, or just drinks and desserts. We can exchange with everyone or draw names. We can wear our fanciest holiday clothes or our pajamas. The main idea is that these changes are discussed and agreed upon by the majority. Everyone has an opinion and expectations and it’s necessary to feel heard and understood. No, not everyone will get their way. No, not everyone will be happy with the date chosen or restaurant we are meeting at, or time the event will begin. But we all must understand that the holidays are for being TOGETHER and that means flexibility and possibly having pasta instead of tacos and buying a White Elephant gift instead of exchanging gift cards. Hugging your Mom and drinking a Cranberry Margarita while reminiscing about the time the cats knocked the tree down – now THAT’S CHRISTMAS. I pray that as each holiday arrives we are together, healthy and happy – that’s my wish for my family and yours – even with all of the changes!

Home is where your heart is…

As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a wife and a Mom. I’ve always loved the idea of creating a space that was welcoming to others. As a newlywed, I had so much fun setting up our home and establishing traditions with my new husband. Within a few years, our home began to fill with children – four children in almost exactly seven years. I had daily opportunities as a stay at home Mom to set the tone and schedule while creating an environment that helped to make my children feel loved and secure, and that my husband wanted to return to after work. Now, despite my best efforts, this didn’t always work out, and by evening I was counting down the minutes until bedtime and the chance to try again in the morning. Lost retainers, broken washing machines and sickness can easily throw a wrench into any thought of a calm and peaceful household. And that’s life, some of our best memories are from times in the past when things were a bit out of control. Home was still a place that we all felt comfortable and knew we could be ourselves.

We never really had a chore system in which each child had designated chores. I basically just voiced what needed attention and someone took care of it. Sometimes after me mentioning it 37 times, sometimes immediately. We were a typical family that found a rhythm of order among the clutter and chaos of life and knew what had to be done each day, even if we didn’t want to do it. The children grew and realized that our house was not cleaned by fairies in the middle of the night as they slept. They began to take ownership and responsibility for their environment and knew they wouldn’t be allowed to ask a friend over if their space looked like “a pit” as I used to say. They looked forward to inviting friend to sleep over and to having cook outs with family.

Time passed and these crazy kids each eventually headed away to college. Some stayed close and some went a bit farther, but regardless of their new location, they were no longer “home”. Their rooms were empty, no one sat at their chairs during dinner, and their absence was felt by all of us, including the pets. When our oldest left for college, I had the idea of creating a keepsake for him that would remind him of home and the fact that he could always return – and we’d be there with open arms. I found a company that made bracelets with any coordinates engraved in them. I added the coordinates of our home address as a reminder that he had a home full of people that loved him. Each child that left got a similar bracelet, and our youngest birdie just left the nest last week and received her bracelet on move in day.

Our home is much quieter these days. But I know we will continue filling it with love and laughter for many years to come. It’s difficult to keep a house running and presentable with a family of six (or a family of any size, for that matter). There were many days when I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel. But I am so glad that I focused on our family and the times that we shared together under one roof – the good times and the bad, because we needed both to create the bonds that now exist. I pray that our children will also make their home life a priority and cherish the time they spend in their future homes as well.

Moving forward-

We are closing another chapter in our family book in a few months. We recently celebrated the graduation of our youngest child. Over 20 years in the same school district (whew!). A party was in order, and we hosted well over 100 people on a 92 degree day. We had picture boards, a slushie machine, food to feed an army and lots and lots of cold water available. For all 4 children, I created a memory clothesline. Through the years, I set aside shirts or outfits that were favorites of the child, or something that was just iconic. After collecting the clothes, I would look through my scrapbook albums and pull a picture with them wearing the outfit. For child #4 I actually found all of the pictures this past winter on one of my snow days. I knew how busy it got before each party – so I knew getting it out of the way would be quite helpful. Preparing for a graduation party forces you to travel the road of Kindergarten through Senior year as pictures and mementos are prepared to be displayed. I also hang up every portrait from year one to eighteen and scrapbook pages from the first day of school young fives until Senior year. Now that’s a lot of memories to process – and with child #4 it about broke me.

As the children have grown, I have often struggled with looking back and wishing things were different. Maybe I wish I had handled a situation better, changed my reaction to a problem or just simply wanting the chance to be with my children at a younger age again. Who doesn’t miss the scent of a newborn, the sound of a squeaky toddler’s voice or the feel of a squishy child’s hug? I look at pictures of my four when they were all in elementary school or younger and remember the days when we only did what I planned and it was so very different than the hectic high school days of friends, sports, volunteering and jobs. I have to remind myself that each chapter definitely had its’ ups and downs and that it’s easy to romanticize an age once we are through it. I absolutely love looking through my scrapbooks and remembering all of the years of memories that our family has created. I suggest taking as many pictures as possible. You will never regret being able to revisit an event from the past – pictures transport you immediately back to the event – what a treasure.

Moving forward, as we now begin to cross off needed items for our daughter’s dorm room, we are eagerly anticipating memories yet to be made. What does the next five years have in store for our family? Our house will be quieter as the nest has emptied. Our time together will no longer be daily , but more scheduled. Our relationships will need to be more intentional. I know it may be a difficult year, as change is often uncomfortable, but I also know that we will find many positives in this new chapter we are beginning. Cheers to the future, and all of the joy it will bring!

What do you want to do when you grow up?

Our youngest of four is in the final stretch of her Senior year in high school. She has a matter of weeks before this chapter of her life is over and is feeling all of the emotions. Her days are filled with school, friends, and tennis, and her evenings are occupied with finishing scholarship applications. She’s answering questions regarding how she has spent these last four years, what accomplishments she has achieved, and what her goals are for the future. These applications and required essays are forcing her to reflect . Honestly, I think it should be a requirement for all of us – every five years or so – just a quick check in with ourselves. This form that she must fill out makes her pause and really look at what fills her time. How much of her energy is spent helping others? What is she doing to move herself closer to her goals, and does she even have clear cut goals?

Once we finish school, we tend to fall into a routine and not change much. OK, occasionally we will try a new restaurant or change laundry detergents, but for the most part we do what we have always done. I don’t think we do it on purpose. I feel like most humans find a rhythm of life and don’t look to change things up. We have a schedule, and it works for us, so why fix what’s not broken? But are we living the life we could be living? Are there things we could add or eliminate that would serve us well, move us forward, or help us grow? Have we accomplished the things that we had considered in our days of youth when we didn’t need 8 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee to start our engines? It’s not too late! We can still evaluate our lives and make the changes that we have been contemplating. We can start a new hobby, change our exercise routine, commit to reading more books or meeting up with more friends. We can find an organization that needs volunteers, donate to help a community in need, or write letters to our government officials regarding changes we’d like to see made.

I am energized as I watch my daughter prepare for this new chapter ahead. When her new adventure begins – a new chapter will also begin for us. I am prepared for change and the loud sound of silence in a house that has always been filled with music, conversation and laughter. The schedule we keep will change, the way we cook will change, and I anticipate that next year may be a difficult year as we adapt . But I am ready and willing to make the best of these changes and allow room for the grief process as well as I miss all the birdies who have left our nest. I’m writing my own lists and thinking about what I’d like to do, to change, and to eliminate as this new season of life arrives. So now, as I start to reflect, here’s my question for you… What do YOU want to do when you grow up?

Lean in…

masterpiece

Not everyone will allow themselves to cry in public. I have definitely been known to openly shed a tear or two. I’m not talking about a big ugly cry, but tears on the cheeks, yes. Last week at my Bible study, I cried. It wasn’t something I had planned on doing, and to be honest, it even surprised me a bit. Now that I hopefully have your attention, I’ll explain.

I’m currently in a new season of life. These birdies that I have been raising are trying out their wings and I am nervously biting my nails as I watch them teeter on the edge of the nest. With one a college freshman and one a high school senior, the milestones come daily and it’s all a bit overwhelming. For the most part, I am able to focus on the positive and enjoy this season of new found independence – I’m doing OK (until I’m not).

accept

This particular day at Bible study, I was commenting on a scripture passage that we had recently looked up. It was Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are God’s masterpiece – created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” While reading this scripture out loud, the words caught in my throat and I had to pause and pull myself together. You see, I have always wanted to be a Mom. Knowing very little what it would actually involve, the idea of raising littles was a tad magical to me.  I felt that God was in agreement, since He blessed us with 4 stinky butt babes. But now, as my children have grown, I tend to wonder a little bit more about these “good works” that are meant for me. They aren’t so obvious anymore. I’m still busy, yes. Feeling productive, yes. But I am lacking that sense of being needed, feeling necessary – and frankly,  this feeling is not the greatest. What else does God have planned for me? To be clear, my concern is less whether or not He does have plans for me, but will I love these new plans as much as  I loved being a Mama to littles?!

acceptance

I read before, that in order to deal with our pain and uncertainties, we need to lean in. What does leaning in look like? For me, it looks like sorting through boxes of outgrown clothing and pouring over scrapbooks containing pictures of years gone by. It’s sitting attentively as your senior debates between colleges , when all you really want to do is pull her onto your lap and read her a Golden book. It’s repainting bedroom walls from bubble gum pink to sophisticated grey. It’s talking with other parents about how to let go, while holding tight at the same time. And it’s tears – sometimes expected, but often an embarrassing surprise. It’s a big messy box of acceptance wrapped with a sloppy bow of denial on top. Even though we experienced these emotions just last year, we are still novices at this whole “watching your child grow up” gig. 

I don’t think anyone should ever have to explain themselves when they are leaning in. It takes a lot of extra effort and is very important. It looks differently for everyone, but is crucial for all of us. Don’t think you can skip over tough things and hope it won’t catch up with you. It will. I’ve tried to ignore things, it doesn’t end well. 

So what about you? Are you avoiding a tough situation right now? Or are you leaning in? Please know that I’m here – online if nothing else – if you’d also like to lean on me!