My biggest character flaw…

Everyone is good at something. We all have an area in which we excel. Some are extremely creative, organized or out going. Others are great at hosting, event planning or dealing with financial matters. It’s important to know where your skill sets are, and how they can help you succeed. On the other hand, it’s equally important to know the areas in our lives that need improvement. I am AWFUL at asking for help. Really bad at it. Seriously, I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than admit I need assistance or can’t handle something. Being stubborn only makes this worse, and gets me in more trouble. Every. Time.  I have several examples of situations that should have changed my mind about asking for help from others. But apparently, I’m a slow learner. I need to be repeatedly shown that I’m not capable of “going it alone”, nor should I even try that route. God provides these opportunities for growth frequently because He knows this is my weak spot.

Despite my inability to request help, one of my very favorite things to do is offer help to others. To see a need and fill it. To witness a struggle and make it easier for someone else to bear. The world is chock full of chances to assist others, and I love to jump right in! So – if I find joy in helping others, why do I refuse such help from my friends? Crazy. When I see the question on paper, I feel silly and shake my head. But still, I struggle. To bring a meal, pick up a child from practice, watch a toddler so a sick mama can rest – all of that would be appreciated … but would it be accepted if offered? I know I’m not the only one that tries to do it alone.

Pride. It’s a dirty word. It’s my biggest character flaw. I’m too proud to admit when life is indeed getting the best of me, or when I’m just trying to keep my head above water. There have been times that I didn’t know how I would possibly juggle all that needed to be accomplished. Those that know me, understand this – and help anyways. Their help is given in various ways. A text that contains a funny meme or an instant message that insists I am stronger than I believe.  Sometimes, it’s a meal delivered when I am unable to care for my family. Please note – help with my family and I will NEVER forget your kindness. These gestures mean the world to me, so why do I feel like sharing my burdens with those that love me is selfish? Why can’t I accept their love, smile and hug them and move on? How do I so easily forget the joy it brings me when I help others? The best part of friendship is helping each other through our most difficult days. The sickness of our children, the stress of marriage, the caring for our aging parents, the chaos of our typical Tuesday. We all have areas that we could use help in.

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Let’s make a deal. Let’s all be more honest with each other (especially on Fakebook, oops, Facebook).  Let’s try our best to be open about what we encounter that is threatening our sanity . We could even admit when we need an extra set of hands, or one less day of carpool commitment. Less guilt and less perfection. More community and more compassion. I can’t wait to help you out! My guess is that we will all benefit.

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My view from behind the grocery cart

As my oldest is finishing his last year of high school, I have been doing a lot of reminiscing. Going through pictures of him as a baby and preschooler has not helped my sappy mood one bit. I find myself painting those years a bit lovelier than they might have been. Sweet smelling, chubby cheeked babies and energy filled toddlers, following my every word and excitedly learning new things and going fun places. If I am being completely honest, there were plenty of days that we all stayed in our pajamas, I was ready for them to nap by 9 am and I was the chubby cheeked one, seeking comfort in the food left on everyone’s plate after every meal. And the sweet smell was the room deodorizing spray that masked the stench of a solid 9 years of diaper duty in the house. But those memories aren’t as fun to recall. Remember how much everyone loved the zoo? Yes, that’s the stuff I’m talking about.

My desire to go back in time is always heightened when I am at the grocery store or Target, where there is never a short supply of Mamas and their littles scattered around.  I glance around, while trying to check things off of my list, and am easily distracted at the interactions between them. I could people watch all day long – and Mamas and their littles are my very favorite to observe. Watching a new Mama walk past me with a peacefully sleeping baby in a car seat nestled in the cart just makes my heart melt. I watch her carefully choose the softest tissues and healthiest yogurts, etc. What I am forgetting is the desperate urgency she was feeling to get through her list before her sweet bundle woke up and started screaming for milkie. Ahhhhh, I will admit that it’s quite a bit more fun to leisurely stroll down the aisles and actually read the ingredient list on an item if necessary. Still, I always thought it was fun to have a helper with me on these trips, and that I miss. Mind you, when my 16 year old took our family’s list for the week and did the shopping for me last month when I was sick – I felt so entirely spoiled and proud!

On the very same trip to the store, just a few steps away, I witnessed a Mama and her preschooler, Carter. I learned his name quickly because she says it repeatedly. Carter wanted yogurt with candy in it. His Mama was trying to get him excited about the low sugar option next to it, with little success. I can assure you that it took tiny Carter about 3 minutes to all together LOSE HIS MIND over the debate.

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I walked away, remembering that I hated having an audience when I was in a similar situation, so I don’t know the outcome. Did Carter get his yogurt?! I can admit to having both thrown the darn sugar filled yogurt in the cart to avoid further embarrassment AND sticking to my guns and carrying a screaming child out of the store. Was it the time/place for a life lesson, or could it wait?! Desperate times call for desperate measures. I do remember that trips to the grocery store with four kids 7 and under was quite a feat. Pulling one cart full of kids and pushing one cart full of food – it made me sweat more than any  work our regime I could create today.

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All in all, when I look around at the young Mamas and children, the one thing I can usually walk away with is the feeling of “Yes, I remember that….”. I’ve been through it, or some form of it. Some of it was good and I would love to go back, and some of it I praise God that I made it out alive, with the kids in tow. I have to admit that I am curious what in my future awaits and how I will deal with it. As a Grandma, will I be extra patient, knowing what can slide and what is most important? Will I have the great advice and words of wisdom and support similar to what my own Mama shared with me as a new Mama? I can only hope and pray that my experience this far as a Mom will help me to continue to guide my teens and future adult children in the least annoying and most effective manner 🙂  In the meantime – it’s back to the grocery store for more observing!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who have done their best to raise AWESOME human beings. You are amazing ❤️

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Name that tune…

A few days ago, a friend mentioned how listening to a certain song could easily take her back to a few decades ago and bring with it some pretty intense emotions. I was quick to agree with the concept that music has some very powerful qualities and the ability to connect us to others and ourselves a bit more. I instantly had a few songs in mind that I could share that impacted me the same way.  Hearing certain words can bring emotions, smells, familiar faces and rapid heart beats. It can remind us of pain, exhilaration and hope. I don’t think that musicians can truly understand the way their songs can change our moods, our moments, and our memories. In both good times and bad, events in my past are often linked with a song or artist that will forever be a part of that crisis or celebration for me.

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I sat down and started a list – a list which I simply named “Soundtrack of my life”. I wanted to see how many songs came to mind when I recalled an important episode, experience, or season of my life. This was really a fun list to make, and I can’t wait to compile all of my special songs onto a list on spotify so that I can add to it as new ones pop up!

My eyes are closed and as I think about growing up – I am transported back to my childhood home on Geneva Street. The stereo is blasting Lionel Richie. He fills a a huge part of my musical memory bank. His earlier music with the Commodores was introduced to me by my Mom who only listens to one kind of music…LOUD. Bless her, but she is not a quiet lady – ahem, the apple does not fall far from that tree. We would dance around our house jamming out to Lionel Richie, Pat Benatar, Al Jarreau, John Lennon, James Taylor and Michael Jackson. The radio was always turned on immediately in the car, too. As my high school years approached – I was constantly listening to Maria Carey, Janet Jackson and Boys 2 Men . Upon graduation, I had listened to their song “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” so many times that my mom would say “Just say goodbye already!!!”. Good times. College days were lived listening to just about every kind of music – new friends brought new music genres and I found out what I preferred and didn’t like at all (sorry – I’m just not a fan of hard rock or rap … shocking, I know). We listened to music when we studied, when we exercised, when we cooked, and when we hung out discussing how we would conquer the world.

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Our wedding song still holds such a sweet place in my heart. My husband is a huge Elvis fan, and I have liked his music since childhood as well. Fools Rush In was an easy choice for us and we even have a picture hanging up in our front hallway with some of the words to our special song “Take my hand, take my whole life, too”. Whenever we hear it – we smile.

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Another song that will forever be extra special to me is “Not for a Moment – After All” by Meredith Andrews. This song was released around the same time my dad suffered a stroke. My world was turned upside down but when I heard the words to this song, it brought me a deep sensation of hope, love, and comfort from above. To this day, when I hear this song, it brings tears to my eyes.

I am grateful for the impact that music has had on my life. It makes me smile to see how much my own children love their music and how it enhances their own lives.  What are some of your favorite songs, and how have they added to your life?

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ABC’s of Kelly Jean

I wanted to change things up a bit. I found this and thought it would be fun to complete. Let me know if you learn anything new about me 🙂

A – Age – 44

B – BIGGEST FEAR – Losing a loved one

C – CLOCK – 2:50 P.M.

D – DRINK YOU HAD LAST – ice water with lemon slice

E – EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO – I am lucky to have a whole list – but at the top are my husband and Mom

F – Favorite song – ooooh – so tough – right now, it’s “Rise” by Danny Goakey – speaks to my heart

G – GROSSEST MEMORY – any of the many times my babes had the flu and didn’t even make it *close* to the bathroom… EWWWWWWWWWWW!

H – HOMETOWN – Toledo, Ohio – good old “Glass city”

I – IN LOVE WITH – My God, my Prince of a husband, our 4 crazy kids

J – JEALOUS OF – people with hair they can control, people who don’t swear like a drunken sailor when they are mad, people with personal chefs

K – KINDEST PERSON YOU KNOW – Amy Dillingham (hey, girl!) Someone once nicknamed her “Angel Amy”, and it totally fits her sweet, generous personality

L – LONGEST RELATIONSHIP – Married to my Prince of a hubby for 21 years, 1 month and 12 days… there are days he probably counts the hours, too :/ I also have friendships that are older than 31 years (Lauri Lyn – what’s up?!)

M – MIDDLE NAME – Jean, after my Great Aunt Jeanne who was the sweetest and called everyone “Lovie” (I do that, too – but mostly because I’m awful at remembering names)

N- NUMBER OF SIBLINGS – one – my favorite sister in the world, Tonya – who laughs at my jokes, buys me gifts on Christmas Eve and loves my kiddos like her own!

O – ONE WISH – I hope and pray that Steve and I can live long enough to be an active part of our Grandchildren’s lives – attending their sports events and dance recitals, having sleepovers and sugaring them up before sending them back home!

P – PERSON I LAST TEXTED – Steve. I tend to send him entirely too many short messages and  pictures of the cats during the day.

Q – QUESTION YOU’RE ALWAYS ASKED – “Are you writing another book?” The answer is YES – hopefully many more 🙂 Now for the ACTUAL question I get asked all the time “What’s for dinner?” Answer : “Chicken stir-fry, go wash your hands and set the table, please.”

R – RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED – Right, but my 3rd child is a leftie 🙂

S – SONG THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO DANCE – “CAN’T STOP THE FEELING” Justin Timberlake  There is something about this song – I hear it and just have to dance …. my kids LOVE this, by the way.

T – TIME I WOKE UP – 5, when Steve got our of bed, but then I rolled over and fell back asleep until 6:30 ….. Where. Is . The . Coffee?!

U – UNEXPECTED FOOD FAVORITES – Salt and vinegar chips, fritos and cream cheese,  bagels with cream cheese and capers –  basically anything with salt on it is a friend of mine.

V – VACATION DESTINATION – Italy. I have been there twice now and it is my favorite … the sites, the pasta, the wine. Did I mention the pasta and wine? Countless beautiful things to take pictures of all day and night long.

W – WORST HABIT – swearing. Who knew a former pre-school teacher and children’s author had this MOUTH ?!

Y – YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY – I couldn’t possibly choose a favorite – Vacations, holidays and decorating for them, playing with our cats, singing at the top of our lungs to Lionel Richie, taking turns driving (under age) at the apple orchard in the fall, making applesauce with those apples and heating it up and dumping cinnamon on it for breakfast …. and MORE!

ZOO OR SAFARI?  Drive through safari – except when the animals drool on you or won’t leave you alone after you give them a carrot through your window.

So that’s it for today, friends – hope this change of pace was interesting for you to read 🙂

 

 

 

“Just” a mom…

I have been a stay at home mom since the birth of my first child – 18 years, 4 months and 9 days – to be exact. Believe it or not – raising children and being a wife was always my dream as a child. Whether or not girls in this day and age have this dream, it isn’t talked about much in our society… and it definitively isn’t encouraged. Let me explain. If a young girl voices that she’d like to be a mommy when she gets older, a typical response is “That’s nice, what else do you want to be?”. What ELSE? In my mind, that implies that being a mommy isn’t enough, there needs to BE more, you deserve to WANT more. You can’t JUST want to be a mommy.

That being said, in all my time at home, I have never once regretted that choice.  There were days, mind you, that being at home and doing all that it involves with 4 needy babes and 2 lazy cats was not my idea of “fun”. On occasion, the job itself was exhausting and I felt all but invisible. Yet, I had a strong sense that being at home was my ministry. It was my chance to have a great effect on 4 future adults, citizens, husbands and wives, voters – and more. I got to feed them, clothe them, teach them, pray for them, build their confidence and encourage their generosity. I also got to change diapers, fish things out of the toilet, prepare meals that weren’t eaten and live my life to the soundtrack of the constant background noise of the washer and dryer. The ups and downs were staggering and daily – if not hourly. I would feel a crazy combination of  confidence and bewilderment  as I maneuvered my way through each day. The needs of young children are  mental, physical and emotional – which spells out F-A-T-I-G-U-E for their caregivers. Tired, but not disgruntled (hopefully).

At this point in mom-ing, my oldest is a Senior and preparing to leave for college in August. My conversations with him span from my favorite part of cafeteria style eating to how long I went in between washing my bed sheets (GAH!) to how desperately I’m going to miss him on any given Tuesday. I fill my spare time learning how to send cookies in future care packages and how to “fill” his part of my soon to be emptying nest. I have been blessed to spend my years focused on raising my tribe and even more blessed to have a husband that felt it equally important that I did so. I have no answers for those who ask me “What do you do all day?” because my answers will never be enough for them. I love my life and will continue to serve my family for years to come. As the children grow into teenagers and begin to need me for different things, I am allowing myself to seek new hobbies and volunteer opportunities. I am also hoping to get this whole book gig up and running again. I have a heart for all moms out there who continue each day to give all that they have and then do it all over again tomorrow. Keep up the good work – it is noticed and  you ARE making a difference.

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It’s worth it …

    

    Hallmark and hershey’s commercials, jewelry and bubble baths, red hearts and glitter – yep, February is here ❤️ The talk of love and romance and all things mushy is everywhere. Now- let me be clear, it’s my favorite – I love red, lace, sparkles, sweet notes and sweeter treats. The month of February is also my birthday month, win/win! That being said, it got me thinking about all the awesome parts of my life that I cherish, but also require a lot of work. In fact, MOST of the things that I love most in my life did NOT come easily. They were not handed to me. They came after great effort on my part. It’s the “rain is necessary for the rainbow” and the “harder the battle, the sweeter the victory” mentality. Life isn’t always the “best day ever”.  Sometimes, we have days months that are a bit dark or filled with craziness ands expectations that simply can’t be met. It’s hard for us to imagine these conflicts/situations ever improving. But they do. They always do.

    It’s important for me to teach my children that hard work pays off. Effort is important. There is immense value in both patience and perseverance and working daily towards your goals. Our fast paced world is so hyper focused on instant, faster and immediate results. Expecting our children to have to participate in life – what a concept! The things that we contribute to bring us so much more happiness and satisfaction. I’d much rather see my children earn their smiles and dreams. They will feel ownership of their emotions – now that’s a reward! Her’s a quick list of things that I LOVE which require effort on my part…  The bold words are my non-favorite part 🙂

  1. Cleaning the house – but it results in an organized and more peaceful home
  2. Applying make up & doing my hair – but it allows me to look presentable and less like a homeless person
  3. Changing closets our each season – but we then have weather appropriate clothes that fit us (hopefully)
  4. Yard work & cutting the grass – but it’s super fun to come home to a beautiful yard
  5. Disciplining the kids – having respectful, responsible kids is definitely worth it!
  6. Grocery shopping/meal planning – feeding my family food that they love and not panicking at 5 because I don’t have a plan for dinner
  7. Saving money –  having money set aside for vacations and fun stuff (like movies and the random Tuesday ice cream treats)
  8. Doing cat pans – cuddling fat kitties and having something in your house that doesn’t talk back
  9. Plans changing at the last minute – people knowing that they can depend on me (no matter what)
  10. Sibling fights – watching them form a bond that will last forever 

Take a look at your life – what things/people/situations that you love and are always worth the work that they require?

Happy Valentine’s Day, friends! How sweet it is to be loved by you!

BOOK UPDATE – A PLOT TWIST, INDEED

  

I have done my very best to avoid writing this post. My closets have been organized, books have been read, laundry has been done.  I can’t wait any longer – it’s time to share with you what has been weighing so very heavy on my heart. This chapter is one that I sincerely wish could have been avoided. But it has become part of my story, and I must embrace it and find a way to move forward. I appreciate your willingness to walk this crazy road with me. There is no way that I would continue down this path alone. 

If you have been following over the past year, you are aware that I was very excited to announce my second children’s book. The release date was set for February 7th, 2017. Yes, just days away. Instead of excitement for this day, I am now dreading it. This time around, the publishing experience has been drastically different. Miscommunication, confusion, missed dead lines and conflicting information were only part of what made me continually shake my head over the last 6 months. Publishing my first book in 2013/2014 was relatively simple. Other than my “newbie jitters”, I followed the directions given to me and was very pleased with the support that I received. There was absolutely no indication that anything would be different the second time around. I actually thought it may be a bit easier, since I knew the schedule and what was expected from me during the progress. But life has a way of knocking you back when you least expect it. People get greedy and their choices and actions have an enormous impact on others. I am learning HUGE LESSONS in trust and patience and flexibility through all of this – but that doesn’t stop me from being angry and sad. That being said, I absolutely refuse to go through this mess and not come out stronger on the other side.


After all of the delays and malarkey this time around, I discovered that my publishing company has closed as of January 17, 2017. Yes. CLOSED.  The  authors have not even been officially notified as of yet. I found this out after some extensive online research and articles written in a few Oklahoma newspapers. LONG STORY short, they were not paying their bills. They were not paying the salaries of their employees. They were not sending royalty checks to their authors.  They now have lawsuits against them for over 4 million dollars. They have not responded to calls or emails since before Christmas. On the 18th, we (the authors) received an email that the company was in “transition” and we would be contacted within a few weeks with “options concerning the completion of our projects”. There are a million questions still left to be answered.  At this point, I have filed complaints with several agencies and with Discover in attempts to recoup the money paid for the books I ordered – and was charged for – but will never receive. There are discrepancies regarding what rights I have to my own books – I have a copyright on the words, they may own the cover design and illustrations. I need to be given back my completed files in order to find another company to publish for me – which can be a lengthy and tedious process in itself. 

To say that I am overwhelmed doesn’t begin to describe my emotions.  I am sad, angry, embarrassed, frustrated and disgusted that all the effort I have invested in the last 3 years has been swept away. As I await more news, please pray that I can find the time, energy, strength and motivation to continue this process. Back at square one is not at all where I had imagined I’d be at this point. My book is complete – perfect in every way – but I may never have the chance to hold it in my hands. I truly love to write ~ and this will continue. But there is not a lot else that I am sure about at this point. I have about a hundred copies of my first book in my possession,  so I will be able to do a few more book events, but once they are gone – I don’t know. I just don’t know.  I am hoping by the end of February to have some sort of update so I can determine which direction I will take my first steps. I am tired of being disappointed. I have already started talking to other publishing companies. As of now, I am leaning towards self publishing or going with a much smaller publisher ~ once bitten, twice shy.  I know it feels like a break up and you want to bash my “EX” – and please know that they are at the top of my list of least favorite people as well. But please – if you see me,  simply hug me and remind me that the glass is always half full {refillable, in fact!}.  Please pray  for me – this news is a major mountain that I must climb – and I am already exhausted. I am blessed to have an amazing group of supporters that I thank God for every night. I know He has great plans for me. I will do my best to not fear the future – as I know that God is already there.